Happy Birthday--36th 2 Me!

Mood: Up beat
Music:Your beautiful-James Blunt
Well. Today was a pretty good day. It's my 36th birthday today. Went to work as usual. Better day there then I usually have. Pretty much kept to myself, didn't tell to many it was my day today. I just love celebrating birthdays. I have always said that the person that is having a birthday that their day is MY day too. They are MY gift that day. I celebrate the fact that I have been blessed with you in my life. How wonderful to know that all those years ago, you would be born for me, your family and friends. I think holidays are just great. A lot of people get so depressed, this is the ONE time I know that I don't. I know I have a lot of issues, but at least this is the day that I put all that to the waist-side.

Cards, flowers, money, gifts, and out to dinner was the order of the day. Loved it. I received cards from back home from my family, I loved them all and the wonderful notes made me cry. But yet I was warmed by the fact that people love me. I broke down the worst when I saw they sent a card from my nephew, Joey. When I opened it, a cute photo of him fell out. It wasn't the photo that made me cry , it was that "HE" signed the card himself..."Love, Joey W". He may not understand what it is all about or he may have me total wrong. For being autistic, he is one the he smartest kids I know.
Although I complain, I know when I lay to sleep at night that I am loved, cared for and cherished. I can only hope and pray that my blessings are always within my grasp.

"Thank you mom, for having me today"!
I wished for love, guidance, peace and happiness not just for me and my family, but for all!

Making Lemonade

Mood: on edge
Music: Nickel back--How You remind meWell, like they say..."When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I have made so much lemonade my throat burns from the pain of it downing down. Had my tests at the neurologists today. I always go into these things about doubled over from fear, mostly of not knowing what I am in for or just the end result. The nurse was really nice, which is always a plus. First test was done with 25 electrodes. Which first, my head was mapped out, marked up with marker, scrubbed then with pumice gel (which hurt, BTW :( ), then she put my hair into small pony tails all over my head. Then proceed to glue the elecrtods on. About an hour with that test with several smaller ones with those as well. Then sound and eye tests with a different set of electrodes,which I had to go through the same procedure again to glue them on. Goofy stuff like you see on TV. Flashing lights, spinning patterns and heavy breathing. "I was thinking are you trying to check me out or work me out?" One time I thought for sure I was going to pass out, thank G*d I was laying down. Now, comes the hard part. WAITING. I am thinking that everything is ok with all of it. I had the MRI done and that came out good. So I don't see why this one would come back bad. Electrodes put up more detail in your system. In a way I hope there is something, would explain some of the symptoms I have.
More to come with the results.
Mom sounds really good today. I'm happy about that. She just can't afford (life wise) to get sick.It's still hard to be so far away when things happen to family. And it seems there is a strain of flu going around too. Have heard several people at work have/had it, some family mebers as well. I get the flu shot every year but there is no saying not getting sick.
Well, time to hit the shower, have to get the glue, pumice gel and marker off my head.
When you love me the way you do....it makes my life so joyful......I am blessed with my family, near or far. Larry and Katelyn are my life and my world. Tootles..

Boring Sunday

Mood: Mellow
Music: Holding Out For a Hero-Bonnie Tyler

The weekends always go by way too damn fast and the week at work just drags. Will be somewhat of a short week for me work wise anyhow, so I don't know why I am complains. Oh, yeah, I remember, because I can..LOL.
Getting ready for my tests this week. I just hate these things. Either way..Pray pray pray. Something, anything, nothing.
I love that Bonnie Tyler song....I guess we all hold out for a hero in the end. Doesn't have to be a white knight in shining armor. Just someone that can love you, for well, you! I would be the first to admit that I am not the easiest of people some days. Ok, maybe my days lately have been more off the wall, that's just because of evidencing I am going through again. I just have to come to grips that I may never lead what some call a normal life. I think some meds I was on in the past, namely, LUPRON, has messed up my sytem. If that's the case, there is nothing I can do. But accept it, deal with, medicate what can be and move on. I get so angry and bitter at the way something were dealt with, health wise. I felt as if some days, I was nothing more then a number and not an actual person. Something to conduct tests on or surgery. I do know this now...ALWAYS go with what you feel. It's your body and YOU have to live with the outcome.
But getting back to the hero thing. There is no inbetween with me, either you love/like me or you don't. It takes a big person to cope with me and my issues somedays. It goes beyond the love. It's repect, help, honor, and scarfice. Understading probably comes first though. If you can't or don't want to understand what I am going through.
Gotta cut it short....phone call....

That's why they call it the blues.....

(^puts on her sunglasses so that people can't see the hurt & pain she feels inide^)

Mood: Depressed

Music: Evey Breath You Take--- The police

I just saw one the funniest videos on Google...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2949508997989707181. For feeling depressed, I laughed my ass off at this guy. Thank you, Mr. Biker Dude...lol I think the videos are new to Google, never seen them before. You know damn well he was laughing his ass off under the helmet. Hell, I would take him to the club for some dancing, I have seen worse...LOL.

Thank the Lord its the weekend. I just want to lay around all weekend. Been suffering a lot of facial pain and headaches. It appears that my septum instead of getting better , has gotten worse. It is very depressing to have this problem. I always think my nose will just cave the hell in. I have been assured, that it won't. Instead of one larger one, I now have two smaller ones with tiny holes peppered on the top. Why is it that I can see it with a flashlight and the ENT doesn't see it with that beacon he uses. I go back in this week again for a check and cleaning and I think I will tell him that it is enough of the visits and just plan the surgery (open nose, cringes)for sometime in March. That way my mom will be here(if she is well enough too) and can help me out. More and likely, about a month off again from work. Those stupid asses didn't get my short term right, so I am still waiting on that....mornons!
I have my appointment with my neurologistt on Tuesday. Scared about this one. Doing a series of tests I have never been though this time. Had pleantly of MRI's, so we know I have a brain, even though it may not show sometimes....LOL. It gets to a point in your life, with all the medical problems I have, keep acquiring that you just want something to show up. To signify that, yup, there is something amiss and you are not crazy. :( I told the doctor that did the first set of testing I thought it was MS. She too, said to me, "It is in the back of my mind too." We will see with this doctor that does a more detailed cycle of tests. If I don't feel well the day after, I will just stay home on Weds, my birthday. What a crappy way to have a birthday.
Between work, my nose, neurology issues, my mom, just life in general, I could use a use Prozac. Been I have been on those and they don't cure the world. Although it seems the whole world is on something now a days.

I do, how ever know the best place to cry. No one hears you....the shower! Been there, done that, MANY times.

Anyways....that's it for tonight...thank g*d too, "Jesses Girl" by Rick Springfield just came on...theres a nail to the head for ya......lol...."you know I feel so dirty when they start talking cute..." LOL come on ...Tootles for now.

Humpty Day

Mood: mellow

Music: Frozen--Modonna

Hump day today...thank g*d!

The afternoon was ok, nothing exciting today. I had a tug of war with my morals the other day. But you have to always do the right thing, even if it hurts. But then again, what hurts you might protect another. In the long run, I know it was the right thing to do.

I heard from a guy I trained in the medical field with last night. Was nice to know that he was thinking about me and messaged me. It kinda kept me going the rest of the night. He was a great guy when we were in class. I am sure Scott just loved class, after all he was the ONLY male in it..lol.When the classes were stressing me, he was there to keep me, and well the rest of us going. He has since moved on and now has his own business. Doing well. His favorite guy in music, ELVIS. So every time I hear Elvis, I think of Scott doing his Elvis impersonation, "Thank you, thank you very much!" I asked him if he drank that bottle of wine that I gave him. "Nope" , he said, "waiting for my wedding!." "OH, your getting married?" "Nope, just waiting for me to get married.." LOL so we had a good laugh about that.

Talked with mom last night, she sounds really good. If she stays on the meds and eats, she should be ok. She really needs to get some weight on her. I know and she knows too, that the weight would help around the metal in the hip joint. Its funny, now when she goes to the airport, she sets off the scanners. You can see her in the distance getting pissy with the secruity person, as she tried to explain WHY it is going off. So through my tears of seeing her leave, we have a good laugh too. Chritmas seems like so long ago, but yet it was just a few weeks ago. Miss the whole family so much. I Just go to work, try to get through my day so the next and the next and the next will get here, till I see them again.

Your Frozen when you Hearts not open......

Mellow Yellow

Mood: Mellow
Music: "You are beautiful"-James Blunt

Ok, sometimes, this blogging, can just piss you off. They need something like plug/play modes on these things..grrrr.... anyhow...This song is so pretty. Lyrics are down below, take a listen to it online somewhere.
Having a cup of hot tea tonight, sitting here surfing the net and listening to music. That's one thing I wish I could do all day, listen to music. In my job, you have to stay focused in what you are doing or you can hurt someone. Man, I would love to have an I-Pod at work. I blast the music all the way to and from work everyday. Music can say so much. You can put it into your life and have it accompany your mood or in some cases, change your mood. I'm not too set on just one type or singer.
Short night for me. Tried to contact my mom, phone line was always busy. Did Kates hair for school, packed lunches, you know, the usual things before bed. Speaking of bed...sounds like a good idea to me. Tootles.

James Blunt - You're Beautiful Lyrics

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you

Lazy Sunday

Mood: laid back
Music: Sanata w/Sam I Am--I am somebody

That song just get me going. Its happy and peppy :). I first heard that song at a moment I think I needed to hear it. They say that everything has a reason. It gave me the message of was supposed to, I think.
Just laying around today. If it is a national holiday tomorrow, then why in the hell am I working tomorrow? But then again, not everything can just shut down. Companies/businesses need to carry on....sigh. Didnt do too much today. Normal Sunday things. A little Wally-World shopping to get a few things. A newpaper that I wont read till around Weds. I am sure...lol. I always do that, so I dont know why I bother.
Working on getting my mom out here. Its like pulling teeth. I know she isnt feeling well at the moment and I understand. But, ya know.. I just want to see her. It is just the pain of knowing she could be with me here, all the time, but well, I fucked that up. I have been told to let that burden go, that I carry, so many times. I just cant, probably never will.

Happy Friday The 13th

Mood-- Laid Back
Music--Garth Brooks...STAND OUTSIDE THE FIRE
Well, I hope everyone survived Friday the 13th. Acutally, my day was good, I think I had the 13th the rest of the days leading up to it. Horrible work week.
Nothing really too new going on. Keeping up with my moms health is my main a concern right now. Anything going on other then that dwarfs that issue.
Not doing to be doing to much this weekend. Just going to hang out at home, watch some movies, clean the house, the usual thing for this weekend.
I love the change in seasons, but it seems mother nature has been changes over the years. One day we can be very cold, then the next day, mild....sigh.
Fall is still my favorite time of the year. The colors, the crisp air, walking in the parks on the trails. Jeans and sweater weather, gotta love that. Well I do anyhow!
Well....have a good day, not too much for now, maybe later. Tootles

Block Out The World!

MOOD: UPSET

MUSIC: Billy Joel....PRESSURE

ITS ALL HOW WE RESPOND TO PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!

Work sucks,(take your Peter Pan advice and shove it!) people suck. It's not about your workers, but the green in your jeans. People moving as robots.People need individual care. Not cookie cutter antics. Its always about the bottom line or dollar now a days. Not care of/for someone or products consumers receives. People drive like idiots. We have MORE medicine but sicker people. We have MORE books and LESS knowledge!! Then if that isn't enough I get this when I get home....

Just got off the phone with my mom. I listened to her tell me how she was in the ER last night and no one bothered to call me. Says she didn't want to upset me! ARE YOU KIDDING WITH THIS!!!! She said that she just couldn't breath well any longer, even though she is on oxygen every test on her they could think of. I'm sure the lung cancer has lingering effects to last your whole life. "You are my mother, how can I not worry?" It wouldn't matter well or unwell, I want to know how you are, today, tomorrow and the next. Our lives have changed so much over the past few years. And I HATE myself every for some of the choices I made. But, none the less, I can not change that back in the past, just live for today and think about how things can be better tomorrow.

My coping mechenizisms are not so good and I worry about EVERYTHING! I am surprised I am not a tattered mess or a collapsed heap. I don't know how to just relax my mind. When I go to bed at night I lay there, awake, staring at my ceiling. Then that makes me MORE upset. You see, when I was back home in Toledo, I took some glow in the dark stars from my nephews ceiling. So when I lay in bed at night, we are looking a the same stars at night. Just tears me up. As I am getting older, I see the importance of family and good friends in ones life.

Time for a hot shower. The shower, ya know..I have learned is a good place to just cry. In there, no one can hear you and you can weep through your very soul.

Mom, I love you very much....Thinking of you as I always do...

Thank You!

Repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

Thank you , thank you!

Good grief...THANK YOU THANK YOU..To have someone from out of the blue, wish you well on your health, when they didnt give a shit in the past,lol. If anything I have learned it is to look out for yourself. There are ALOT of people out there that just use you for whatever reason. At one point in my life, I was so far down I didnt know how to get out. I let my daughter go live 1200 miles away from me, my mom moved in with my brother because I couldnt care for her on my own. (she has lung cancer) And the person has the nerve to tell me I didnt care for him? WHAT THE FUCK....maybe you are right. Maybe when I look back on it...I felt the need to see who I was inside and out. I dont think I was a good person for letting the ones I loved the most, my daughter and my mother go. Blood is thicker then water as they say, sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to see that. Perhaps the two of them have forgiven me for my mistakes, but there isnt a day now, when I look at my daughter or hear my mom on the phone, that I wish I could take it all back. I know my mom is torn when I tell her she can come back and live with me. One, becuase she helps out with my nephew and gets to see him grow up, just as she did with Katelyn. And two, maybe she just doesnt trust me enough, thats fair, I guess, and I understand. The ache I have inside sometimes is unbareable and I dont know how to cope with it, I get by, I just dont know how I do somedays.
I just dont know where some get off in telling you how YOU feel. If you know how "I" feel, then why did/do you treat me like shit. I mean, if you truely know, they why do what you do/did? Please! DONT TELL ME HOW I FEEL/FELT!
I have grown alot over the past few years. My patience has grown, although it may be slight to some, its big to me. My love about/for family is still there, thats a great thing. I will be 36 in a few weeks, and I would like to think I am gaining some sort of wisdom. I do now relize that some people just love to push your buttons to get you going. I have become more AWARE of this, therefore I back down more when it comes to confrontations from others. They do it to see if they can get a rise outta me. Sometimes I just say, "thank you" or laugh at them when I see the red flag go up. Some people will just never grow or grow up to deal with adult issues. ( we all have a kid within us)Then there are the times when someone says something and after they leave I cry or say, "what the hell were they thinking to say." But all in all.....no matter what....you helped me grow and grow up even more...so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Artist: Alanis Morissette
Song: Thank You

How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrotsHow bout that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror Thank you disillusionment Thank you frailty Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror Thank you disillusionment Thank you frailty Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was The moment I got more than I could handle The moment I jumped off of it was The moment I touched down
How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness Thank you clarityT hank you thank you silence
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
Monday, Jan 9, 2006 - 05:45pm (EST)

Repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

Entry for January 07, 2006

wow...I havent blogged ALL year . There are some updates that I could of kept up with, but some just are not worth talking about in general. It was so hard to leave all of my family back in Toledo. Especially, since my mom isnt well at the moment. My insides hurt for a few days after we got back. It was a feeling that I really just couldnt explain or knew how to get over. I have traveled to places over the years, but there was NEVER a feeling like this. I have since gotten back to work, which I cant stand the place I am at, and that keeps me busy durning the daytime. My mind still races all day long though. About things I wish I would of done or said. I just have to keep telling myself I will see them all again, just hopefully NOT 6 years down the road again.
I have to keep going to the ENT (nose doc) a time or two during the week now. I have two tiny holes instead of one large one now in my septum. Dr. P seems to be very optiumistic about it, yet he says its behind on healing. He said if this doesnt take, then the next surgery will be "open". I said, "huh"!."What do you mean 'open'? Well,it would be like if someone was having a nose job done. They 'open' your nasal cavity and do the repair. I REALLY dont want that, but what must be done, MUST be done. If I was out for three weeks with the simple surgery, I cant imagine how long with this 'open' surgery.
Hope everyone is off to a great new year...
Tootles....L
***I have went back and added a few photos into old blog dates since I didnt have my cable for the pc to cam.
(this photo about is from the Toledo Zoo 12/31/05 Lights Before Christmas Display. Part of the family went to enjoy the lights that the zoo does every year now. I couldnt help but get this photo of me, Katelyn and my nephew Joey on this stone elephant. Growing up as a kid I had my photo with this elephant as well as my daughter and I am sure my nephew has as well. The air was cold and there was snow on the ground that night. Music played as we milled about looking at all the breathtaking lights and displays. Hot coco and a train ride was also enjoyed that night. What a great way to cap off the 2005 year, but with my family at my side.)
Saturday, Jan 7, 2006 - 04:13pm (EST)

repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

Entry for December 30, 2005
After almost a week, I get a blasting email from my ex-uncle that just made me laugh and cry at the same time. The man has serious issues in his life that he never seemed to have dealt with as he grew older. ANyhow..I know what I did for my mother and thats all that matters to me in my life.
Anyhow....its so great to be able to see my nephew do things this past week. A part of me wishes that I didnt have to go. I know I miss out on alot of things,but sometimes too, you see more growth in someone when you dont see them for a period of time. It is just amazing to me how incrediable he is. When I am around him, I see life differantly. I become more patient, which those that know me,I am not too good with. Joey is one of the smartest kids I know. My heart aches the moment I see him because I know that the time here will be short. We never did get him out into the snow, it became too wet from rain. Threw alittle on him this afternoon after we took him to lunch, his laughter and smile were just priceless.
There is more to say,but it can wait till later we are getting bundled up to go walk the zoo and enjoy the CHRISTmas lights....
www.toledozoo.org
Tootles.......L
Friday, Dec 30, 2005 - 04:23pm (EST)

Repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

Wedding Day....

Was a long day yesterday running around town getting some things ready for the wedding today. Ring needed to be resized, cake, few things for a small gathering. The holidays can be filled with so many things to do. Same date , same people, just 6 years later. Everyone should find someone to spend a lifetime with. Life can be a cruel place to live and just walk around in. At least you know there is one person you can or should be able to turn to no matter what happens. Should be a pretty good night.
Went to my aunt and uncle nowakowskis in the afternoon. Its always good to have some one on one with them. My aunt can be a funny one to talk with. The two of them are very heart felt people and have a great family. Still funny how you look at them and they are all grown. Makes you look at yourself and wonder if you have, grown too. Not just just in body, but mentally and spiritually too.
Joey just got up....got my morning hug from him. He is a great kid. I will talk more about him later on,there is alot about him that makes you look at life in a differant light. I know if I was around him everyday I would learn better about having patience. Its incredible....
Well time to get moving around here, house full of people and one bathroom....you do the math!LOL
Peace...L
*****(photo was placed here on 01/06/06. This is me and my brother Jess on his wedding day (12/28/05) It was a very nice evening with blessings and family and friends all around. Everything went great. Cake and coffee was shared with everyone.Well wishes flowed through the evening for the couple.)

Wednesday, Dec 28, 2005 - 10:40am (EST)

Repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Merry Christmas to everyone!
Rain is falling here in Ohio today. A bit of dreary day,but none the less I get to spend it with some of my family.
Last night had to be the MOST un comfortable day I have EVER had. We showed up at my (EX)(and I now call them that)Aunt and Uncles house for xmas. My Ex-uncle would of sooner slammed the damn door in our faces then let us in, but knowing that my mom was inside, although it was their house, he had no other choice then to let us in. I have never seen a person go sooooooo far out of their way to ignore a person/s in all my life. He would take pictures of everyone else,couples and gift giving, but anything that had to do with us, he ignored. Some people showed up and stayed for almost 45mins, neighbors of theirs some of us assumed. I thougth how incrediably rude that was,for the whole family. How my EX-uncle and ex-aunt stood there just laughing and carrying on with them, and at one point, stopping to take photos with them. It took everything I had to go there. Five minutes into it and I was more then ready to leave. I did this for my mom. We have tried over the months to fix this...to no avail. Even when I was giving my gift to my mom, which was the most important gift (which the rest of the family got a copy of the gift as well, I didnt leave out my EX uncle or aunt) I have given her, how odd that their home phone rang while I was speaking about the gift. He proceeded to speak loudly over my words. Despite his antics, my mom, was shocked cf her gift and cried.If anything, I do know this...I need to move on with my life from this. There is no fixing it anymore. There was just MORE pain inflicted, all on purpose. One thing is for sure....the WHOLE family sees what small people they truely are. They have ALWAYS seen them themselves to be "better" then anyone. No, to me, a "better" person is one that says they are wrong when they don't know what the fuck they are talking about. And keeping their noses out of other peoples lives when they dont have one of their own.
The rest of my family was there, I swear,if it wasnt for them talking to me (knowing full well of the situtation)I would of walked out the minute I walked in. They are pretty cool. My other aunt and uncle are pretty laid back and really dont judge you,well at least that is my experience with them. I have some funny stories about them that no matter how many times I think of them,I laugh my ass off. My cousins are all grown now, some married with kids of their own. All have grown up into fine adults and it was a pleasure to see them all. My uncle Ed, came up to me, told me this story of an old great uncle he had. You would have to know my uncle Ed. He can be quite the story teller, I listened to his story, looked at him with big tears in my eyes. I knew what he was telling me. It was a story of how his uncle was so pure of heart to every one, a good person and a person that meant well. I believe that he was telling me, "I" was that uncle last night. That I did the right thing by showing up there and the photo gift of my grandparents was fitting. You see, my grandparents where strong people (in my eyes anyhow) they would never stand for the bullshit that has been going on for two years now. One would think of all this as a horrible way to spend the holidays. It hurts me deeply and I know others have seen how I have been treated, and it was all uncalled for. I was given a very special gift last night.....the gift of C O U R A G E!!!!
I will be here the rest of the week, I am looking forward to seeing the family, doing a few things in town.
MERRY CHRISTMAS...may peace and love surround you always!
The little engine that could.....


Sunday, Dec 25, 2005 - 06:59pm (EST)

Repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

Christmas Eve
Well after a long trip to get back home, we finially made it here. My mom was so oblivious to everything she didnt know what was going on at the time. We didnt roll into town till around midnight and she was sound asleep. I think she still didnt think we were really here even this moring when she got up. Now, its the rest of the families turn to see us tonight. Just hanging out at my brothers house till later on tonight.Should be good times, I hope. Havent been back to town since Christmas of 99 after my gran passed away. We drove around town checking out the old areas, not too much has really changed. Was hard seeing the house I grew up in. But it was nice to know that they still kept the house up pretty well. Went to the cemetary lord,I hate going there. It just tears out my heart like there is no tomorrow. One would think that after all those years thatsome of the pain would subside....nope,doesnt. I only stayed for a few minutes, I knew that if I stayed longer, I would fall to my knees and just weep uncontrollably, and I didnt want to do that,not today.
Well, I will close this blog with warm wishes to everyone. May you all find Peace,Love and Happiness in the coming New Year.
Peace---L
Saturday, Dec 24, 2005 - 04:49pm (EST)

Repost from my Yahoo 360 weblog

"Kryptonite"

I took a walk around the world To ease my troubled mind

I left my body laying somewhere In the sands of time

But I watched the world float To the dark side of the moon I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah I watched the world float To the dark side of the moon

After all I knew it had to be Something to do with you

I really don’t mind what happens now and then As long as you’ll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman

If I’m alive and well, will you be There a-holding my hand

I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might

Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak, But still your secrets I will keep

You took for granted all the times I never let you down

You stumbled in and bumped your head, If not for me then you'd be dead

I picked you up and put you back On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman

If I’m alive and well, Will you be there a-holding my hand

I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might

Kryptonite Yeah!!

If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman

If I’m alive and well, will you be there Holding my hand

I’ll keep you by my side With my superhuman might

Kryptonite

If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman

If I'm alive and well, Will you be there a-holding my hand I'll keep you by my side

With my superhuman might

Kryptonite Yeah!!
Wednesday, Dec 21, 2005 - 11:14pm (EST)

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Entry for December 11, 2005

WHOAH!!!!! ok, I am READY to breath with my mouth closed....!!!! I cant stand it anymore. The splits are painful and I really dont want to take the pain meds so much. But when they come out on Thursday, you can bet I will take one BEFORE I go! I sure there is still a ways to go in this recovery. You figure after the splints are out, there might be some bleeding and scabing. NOT touching the scabs will be the issue for me. Its hard to not to be able to touch my nose, its hurts, the scabbing is anoying as hell. But it is just something I have to get through to get to the end of it.
Well, xmas isnt that far away now..just a few weeks. Really looking forward to it. Been working really hard on this special gift for my mom and some family memebers back home. I am sure I will get a phone call after it is opened up. I have always been a crafter, but this one...is one of my best projects to date. The tree is up, decorations are up too. Baking goodies,wrapping gifts..love it all. What I DONT love is how commerical it all is. I mean ,what is wrong with people? They forget what this is all about.Then they want to take Christ out of it, church out of it..I just dont get it anymore.THEY ARE MAKING IT ABOUT SPEND SPEND SPEND.....yeah, spend time with family, friends, loved ones. THAT CHRISTMAS TO ME!!!!!
Sunday, Dec 11, 2005 - 02:32pm (EST)

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December 08, 2005
OMG....my face and head hurt as if someone hit me with a bat. I did however get the packing taken out today and they used what looked like a water pick to clean my nose...ack! I keep my eyes closed the whole time the doctor is in there. Now I have to go back next week for the splints to come out. Its amazing what we take for granted, just breathing. The last few nights in bed have been terrible. You have to sleep with your mouth open, then your mouth dries out along with your throat. I slept with a water bottle at my hip every night since surgery. When he took the packing out, what a relief to just breath, with my mouth closed. The doc said everything looked good, would he tell me if it looked bad?
Learned NOT to just take pain meds without eating...BIG NONO!!!! I thought I was going to loose my damn mind last night. Not thinking before I went to bed, I took a pain pill. It was as if someone was running me over. It was ripping my stomach to bits.... But one more week of no work, which is fine by me and one more appointment with the ENT. All in all , I think i did pretty well. I wouldnt wish it on anyone tho. There is just some swelling in the cheeks and a bit sore.
We did manage to get the tree up tonight. That was nice to do. Listened to some Christmas music and talked alittle of times gone by. The holidays are always rough, but how I do love them. I will do the rest of the decorating tomorrow sometime.
Tootles...L
Thursday, Dec 8, 2005 - 08:57pm (EST)

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Yucky days.....Tuesday, Dec 06, 2005

Well, once again sometime has past since my last entry, around thanksgiving time. I had my surgery yesterday...man am I in pain. Of all the surgeries over the years, this one has to be the worst. I dread when I have to back in on Thursday to have the packing taken out. Hopefully, the surgery will have been a sucess. I would hate to have to do this again. I can't even imagine what people feel like after a nose job or face life. The pain must be crazy. Thank G*D I took two weeks off, no way in hell I would be functing within a week.
Had two birthdays this past week to celebrate, both were nice. Kirby is now a teenager!!!!! Seems like those 13 years have flown by so fast in some aspects. She is a great kid and smart. Bad thing was, last night she had her first Christmas choir concert, I couldnt go. I was too sick. But LT taped it for me, she and the rest were just great, wish I could of been there. There is another one tonight, if I rest enough, perphaps I can go. I dont think its the sick feeling so much holding me back, but the guard that is over my nose....lol its not to cute. Just breaks my heart not getting to her functions.But I know she understands right now.
I guess I will have to keep this one short, starting to get tired from the meds..
Tuesday, Dec 6, 2005 - 04:08pm (EST)

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Just kicking back tonight.... November 23, 2005

Well, nothing too much tonight, just kicking back for the most part. Working on pies and goodies for dinner tomorrow night. Sitting here listening to my Garth boxed set. Wow..a shame I got it myself. Someone would of scored big on this as a gift..
But anyhow...back to baking....and listening to my CDs....
May you all have a thankful holiday.....stay safe....God Bless!
"BE THANKFUL FOR ALL THAT SURROUND YOU, TODAY AND EVERYDAY!!!"
tootles Lauren
Wednesday, Nov 23, 2005 - 09:22pm (EST)

Entry for November 20, 2005
Well, I have to start this entry ALL OVER AGAIN.....DAMNIT......Dont click that shit that says...HIGHLIGHT BLOG ENRTY....damn thing!!!!!!!!!
Well the holidays are here again. And once again my family is miles away from us, again. I think about them all the time, not just at the holiday seasons. Thoughts of moving: dance in my mind all the time. Just seeing them once a year, isn’t cutting it anymore. People change to much and you miss so much of the sharing of the love.
Time is getting closer to my surgery now. So that means I am freaking out, oh so very MUCH! I fear that it wont be "ME" when its all over with. That the pain will be unbearable. The bruising and tenderness, don’t want to even think of it...sigh. This is one of the times when a girl needs her mom...sigh. Well she isn’t with me anymore because of a bad call I made a few years ago. Maybe she is better off now though, I don’t know. She gets to see my nephew grow up and she is around the rest of the family. That kills me too, they are ALL in the same area for the most part and NEVER see each other. I hate that. They should try to be away from everyone, its not a fun place.
Anyhow...back about the surgery. Am I over reacting? Will it all be ok? I can only hope this will all be ok and it will heal and I wont have to worry about it ever again. I pray that....everyday! The only good thing is that I will be off work for two weeks. THANK G*D!! I am getting sick of that place. Boss is being an ass. Trying AGAIN to get me to take a lead position. READ MY LIPS!!!! FORGET IT!! I just don’t know how many times a grown person needs to be told something. I am NOT interested in taking all that crap into my home life and if he can’t respect that, well then I will have to take it up with HR. Even stated to me that all he has to do is fill out the paperwork...LOL you make me laugh man. You can fill it out all you want, I won’t sign it. I would sooner quit that job and not think another thought of it again. People just don’t have respect for what others think and feel about certain situations. He is like..."well think of the extra money." What extra???50 cents? Give me a damn break. I would spend the money on Rolaids and sleep medicines. Not worth it to me, nor upsetting my family setting over.
Well now that I vented all that out for tonight.....
YOLO....live it well
L

Sunday, Nov 20, 2005 - 07:01pm (EST)

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Sapping the life.... November 09, 2005
Been a few days since I have been on. Just too tired to do anything lately. Its so hard to get up in the mornings for work. I just dont know what to do any more. Still waiting on seeing the
neurologist. Anyone that knows me, I am not a patient person which is a terrible thing. Still wake up in the middle of the night screaming in pain. I seem to have alot of joint pains. Wondering if has something to do with cartlidge, you know, since part of it has worn away in my nasal area. Thank G-D!!! Im finially going to get that fixed, about the first week in December. Needless to say....Kates not to happy, her bday is the 4th and I will be a mess. Told her we can celebrate before or after the surgery. I know she knows how important it is to get this taken care of. The sooner the better.
What a shocker to see Ed walk into work the other day to come for a visit. It was so sad in a way, I went to hug him and my arms could of gone around him twice I think. I dont know what will be come of him once he starts treaments. Just praying for the best .
Well, think I'm going to call it an early night tonight.
Tootles
Wednesday, Nov 9, 2005 - 08:14pm (EST)

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Seasons change...so do our lives... November 01, 2005

Don't understand why people just can't move on with their lives and feel the need to barge in where they are not wanted or needed. I dont care what they are doing now nor do I care who they are with. I am very happy with the way things are with me and my life. Not bitter about the past. We all learn from our mistakes, take note of them and move on. As I have done. And if they can't respect that then they can go to hell for all I care....lol...anyhow...
Still not feeling to so good. Don't sleep worth a damn. The pains are so bad at night. I think its because your body is more relaxed and it has time to catch up with as in the day you are moving around all the time. Should hear from my ENT tomorrow. Then I can finially get the nose fixed. Have a few weeks off work and relax alittle before the holidays. Waiting on the neurologist yet for an appointment. Not sure what they are going to do. I have already been through the MRI/MRA and all the blood work. Must be other tests they can run. My reg doctor hasnt ruled out the MS I guess. She said she wanted to be sure , thats why the neurologist is being called in....sigh
Talked with George today about Ed, he saw him over the weekend. He is home and not doing well. Wont get a second opinion...STUPID!!!!! Says he lost more weight, like he has any more he can stand to loose. Thoughts and prayers are with him and his family everyday. Its odd not to see him at work running around and you can swear you hear him from time to time. Its funny how a mind can play tricks on you.
Kate has her holiday programs coming up. She sounds so pretty while she sings. Nice to know she can put that big mouth of hers to use....lol...but really...she is growing up so fast and into a beautiful young lady. I am proud of her and all that she does. I always look forward to her programs, lets me get ready for the holidays. I love to celebrate everything....life should be a celebration everyday!!!!!
Well...good night and LIVESTRONG!!!
L
Tuesday, Nov 1, 2005 - 10:44pm (EST)

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The good, the bad and the ugly :P
Updates:
Ed..well they now know that the cancer has spread to near the heart. My heart aches for him right now. Its now all in someone elses hands I think now. "HE" will know whats best now.
Dentist...NO CAVITIES!!
Well, tests are back in already. NO MS!!!!!!!NO BONE CANCER!!! But I am anemic, which is easy to take care of. However, some of my counts were off which indicated my body was fighting some sort of virus she said. Maybe thats why I am so damn tired all the time. Somedays I dont want to get out of bed, ok , ALOT of days lately. At least I know that can change. This still doesnt explain the extreme pains I get in the middle of the night. The fighting and crying, just tires us both out. So I will be seeing a neurologist to see if we can figure this out. Not sure if I compared it before in my previous posts, but its like someone lacing up a shoe. You know..when you pull on all the laces first, then tie it. Its just a constant pulling and tightening of the muscles. As for the bones, dont know about that. We will have to see on that.
And also saw my ENT today for the first time. I was so pleased to hear that this can be fixed. I thought the hole was big, he said it wasnt. He gave me a shot in the inner nasal area, which I heard the needle crunch into the cartlidge, didnt hurt though. Then he took a biopsy to make sure their is no infection or anything else going on. But how odd was it that the other doc today said the tests showed my body was fighting something. Hmmmm....connected by chance..dont know yet. So needless to say...my face is sore, but I am happy to know it is correctable.
With all that said...time for a hot shower...TTFN!!
Thursday, Oct 27, 2005 - 10:01pm (EDT)

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Not much for blogging today

Not really too much in the mood for a blog toady. Just a short one. They couldnt operate on Ed the other day because of his blood pressure, so they held off till today. They opened him, they closed him back up. Nothing they can do, its spread and is too large with blood vessles all around the cancer. The next step is unknown.
I go back tomorrow to get the blood work results and the MRI results wont be in till Nov 9th.
"there has got to be something better then all this......"

Wednesday, Oct 26, 2005 - 08:08pm (EDT)

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Well, Ed went off to surgery this morning ...so we all thought. Part way through the day, George found me and told me that they didn’t do Ed's cancer surgery...too low blood pressure. But the top cause was his heart; they said he couldn’t take it. So we don’t know right now where he stands with all this. Vernie and I just don’t have a good feeling about it all. He doesn’t seem to be a strong man. My thoughts and prayers are with him.

I’m nervous myself. Getting my self together, mind, body and spirit for tomorrow’s x-rays and my MRI. I’m to the point I don’t care about what I may have. OK!! IM LYING THERE!! Lord, don’t let it be life threatening. But I do want answers. Something, anything. I'm tired of getting up screaming and crying in pain in the middle of the night. Hard to move, can’t sleep worth a shit. I did go out and buy some new pillows. Seemed to help a little. Now if I can get rid of the damn hand splints. What ever it is.....I'm sure it’s just one more hurdle I can get over.

Then there is the issue with the nasal hole. That appt is on Thursday. Not looking forward to having someone stick ANYTHING in there. I’m really hoping this can be fixed. I know people pierce in there, but I’m sure this is much larger then that. I don’t want surgery to change the shape of my nose, its too cute for all that .

Well, time to go meditate for a bit... (Adds another brick to her wall....)
Monday, Oct 24, 2005 - 08:45pm (EDT)

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Entry for October 23, 2005
Well, a long weekend for me. Had to work part of the day saturday, what a bore. Nothing really new to talk about tonight. Ed goes in for his surgery monday, my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family. When I last spoke with him on Friday he seemed withdrawn and scared. Which I can understand. And all that that man is about to go through, he wanted to know how "I" was!!! Is that not just increditable to you, is to me.
I'm getting nervous myself about the xrays and the MRI on Monday, I just want to get this over with.
Anyhow, just a short note tonight.
Time for bed for me.....TTFN

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Somedays are hard to LiveStrong!

Here I am in the early morning hours. Up, before anyone else around here.
Finished my blood tests yesterday. Lord, usually when I had blood drawn you would have a tube or two and a few stickers...shit. My blood work was MANY tubes and two feet of stickers. A urine test! ( Which of course I went to the bathroom BEFORE I got there.) DUH!! I should of known better then that. So I had to wait around for the soda to go through my system for that test to be given. Then they gave me what I thought was a gift for coming to see them.(<<>Wednesday, Oct 19, 2005 - 05:12am (EDT)

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OK, finally got into a doc today. Sometimes people can relax a little after someone takes note of what they are saying. My doctor was go good to me, with me today. I am blessed. But little does she know the road she will be going down with me. I have been here many times before. Doctors, doctors, a norm in my life. It takes a lot for someone, like me, to go tell her what I have been experiencing. You always that they in the back of your mind, but she was very professional and I need to understand that I am not the only one in this world going through everything I am experiencing.
For starters she confirmed that I have carpel tunnel in my right wrist, I figured as much with that. After all that repetitive work for when I worked for Playtex, finally caught up, plus sleeping the way that I do with my arms. So for the next 6 weeks, I have to wear a splint. This was the EASY part of my appt. today. It’s the next part that starts me on my newest journey.
After she went over my medical history so went over my symptoms and then looked me over. With tears in my eyes and hesitation I said to her..." Do you want me to tell you what I think I may have?". ”Sure", she said. "I think I have MS." She looked at me with eyes that I could read. Her response was..."I too, have that in the back of my mind." All at once, there was conformation that there was truly an issue here and I was not a nut. At the same time, I became more scared then before I walked in there. I know there is something seriously wrong with me.
The reason I think it is MS is because of the shots I was on sometime ago for my endometriosis. It was a possible side effect. One that may have caught up with me. If it’s not that, something is definitely present.
So right now I have to fast for my blood tests tomorrow. Then next week (which I am dreading) an enclosed MRI scan of the brain.
They say that everything happens for a reason....
And so on my walk I shall go....
Lauren
Monday, Oct 17, 2005 - 09:13pm (EDT)