hoping...

I know it hasnt been long since we have sepearted but it mine as well be a damn lifetime...I cant handle the pain in my heart knowing what has happened. I would do anything to change it all back. I know some of this is my fault and the way I went about things may have been wrong. But I can only hope for forgiveness. NOTIHNG ever happened with that asshole Rob. Even though I felt like I was ignored I wouldn't do anything or let anyone ever touch me.
I miss your touch so very much, your kisses and your hugs. The mommy and Katie hugs and giggles. I am missing so much. This was a MISTAKE....
Just to be able to lay next to you in our bed. Sleeping alone with out your warm body next to mine, or laying on your chest to hear your heart beating, know it it was for me, because of me.
You do tell me you miss me and sometimes things are hard. Do you think you will allow me to come home? Do you miss me like I miss you? Are you hurting and angry? I am, at me, at us...
I never understood the pressures till now when you had to do your job or what we were supposed to do. I even trying talking to my mom, she had no answers. She missed you too and we tried to keep busy with things too.
Did school start, I dont even know if you told me...thats how fucked up my head is. I am going to miss her first day of school. I have never missed anything in her life and now this. Its not easy to take care of a kid or daily things. Working, mom, kates things, house things and worring about you...I was so scared and wanted to run away, and in a sense thats what I did, I guess. I wasnt doing anything. You not seeing, I guess, that you were ignoring us made me feel like we were nothing to you. We all make mistakes...
I know Larry is scared and confused too. I know he hurts as well and I dont want him to feel that way...he means the world to me.
Believe me, I am hurting deeply and I hope we can repair. We are strong and I need you, and me to be restart and believe  Ill give it a little time till I start asking deeper questions to you about that. Till then, Ill keep rambling on here for myself.
I love you both and miss you
me

What am I doing?

Every now and then I feel if I type my feelings they will help me...this time I am not to sure. I may have just lost everything in my life. My mom, my hubby and my daughter.
I sit here all alone...and I do mean all alone. In a drug inested apt ...I got to work and come and lock myself in the apt. I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE. I never thought I /we would be in this situation
  I watched the loves of my life drive off and leave for Texas not long ago. I so desperately wanted to go with them, at that time it was too late. Would he have taken me with him, why didn't he ever say that things didnt have to be this way? Did he really not love me or care for me. You went with me to find a place for me to live...why? What was going though your mind too? Why didnt we ever talk about it?
Will we be a family again? We have gone through so much in our time with each other. Katelyn growing up, going to school...omg, I will miss her first days of school, her coming home. Me making dinners for us, family things. My mom back in Toledo.
My head is spinning so fast and so hard, when I am alone, which now, after work, is all the time... I sob uncontrollably  He was my rock..now I have no one. I felt so alone and ignored in part of our marriage and when 9/11 time hit, it was incredible  I was with mom, kate, working, he was never around, even when he was he was doing things he wanted, not family things.Yes, he shhould have time, but we wanted time with you too. We never talked about it, he couldn at some parts. It was a devastating time for everyone.
You are fighting for our country and I have said how proud I am of you , but we are here too. Did you miss us. All these things I can ask you now in calls or emails, but that doesnt help the time when it was going on.
Thats just it, I was so lost and hurt, not understanding.
All that time I really wasnt doing anything but viing for some attention. I never wanted anyone...you are him, always. I lost a few friends due to me sleeping on their couches and then it made it hard to go to work with those people. But I understand. I can only hope and pray to be with you all again....
Loving you....missing you.