My Days

My days: long
My patience: short
My heart grows weak
Often silences me when I try to speak
Tears fill my eyes
As I try to put my heart into a disguise
Building a wall surely
Rising to ten feet tall
I push you away
Even though I want you to stay
I am loosing my soul:
not my choosing

I try to repair
Even through my desperate despair
I walk through my mind
As if I have it on rewind
Seeking the answers to the questions I hold
Hoping to be told
That life is going to be good:
Take it in strife

Take a deep breath
Count to ten
And maybe life will be better again

wHo HaS tHe Key???

Mood: depressed
Music: UnWeLL
FrUsTraTion aNd PaIn fill mY dayS lately. AnYthiNg I ExpeRience (medicaLLy, sPiriTually)righT now meanS notHing. You WaNt To bE soMeWherE else buT iTs noT possible. You wanT to ChanGe thE patH thAt lieS befoRe YOu, you CaN't. Wanting to taKE away sOmeOne elSe's pain and aDD it tO your own, yOU can't. YOu just Want to hiDe your hEAd and BurY yOur soRRow. ArOunD me Are faMIliar faces. WOrn oUt places. You can't take sOmeOne aND lead them ThROugh the fire wHEn you don't knOw if you wiLL get burnt. ThEre is SO much to bAre, MY skin, my soul, my hEaRt, my very eSSence. ThEre are wOunds I have that wOn't heAl. ThEY R scars I will 4ever hAve to walk With. NO one can UnDerSTand my disposition, the WAY that I am. I fEEl there aRe times I have no wHeRe to turn. TheY lOOk at me, bUt they dOn't see me. There is nO way TO be redEEmEd wiTh mY siNs. Of the heaRt, of THE sOul. Any cRimEs THat aRe eVeR coMmiTTed sHape the way we see tOmOrrOw. HOw we live, HOw we Raise OUR kids, hOw we treat OtheRS.
How Do yOu seE Me? Do I CaRe thOugh Of whAt U May tHink?Sure I do. Do I liVe 2 Ur stanDards? Do I disaPPoint U? Do U haTe Me? Do U LoVe Me?
You see the door, but you just don't have the key.....

HaPpY VaLeNtInEs DaY!

Mood: Good
Music: Turn Me On
What a nice day it was today. From start to finish. Woke up very early this morning, made them chocolate pancakes, heart shaped sausage (LOL) coffee, and juice. Each place setting had a rose on the plate along with a hand made card. Candles lit, never had a candlelight breakfast before. Was very pretty. Woke them each up. "Honey, I know it is very early, but I made you a special breakfast." I told them both. Sleepy-eyed the both stumbled their way to the kitchen. Eyes widened when they smelled the breakfast filling the air. My eyes filled with tears as I told them how much I loved them and how blessed I felt inside my heart and my life to have them complete me. I just don't know where I would be if I didn't have them. Well, I do know, and I am glad I am not there. I just love chocolates, so it was no surprise that I loved my box of candy. We finished up breakfast, and all got ready as we normally do every morning and I sent them on their way. Katelyn was worried about her singing Valentines that she had to do for choir today. She has been battling a cold and sore throat. I told her she was going to have to "Milli_Vanilli" it today. LOL Then I had to explain who they were, or more importantly, who they were not.
Got to work and Robert brought me up a box of chocolates with a cute little heart attatched to it. That really surprised me, I wasn't expecting it. It was so sweet of him. My day went on as it usually does, actually, better then normal come to think of it. They were looking for me at work,I was on the phone with the ENT doctor. When I came out, there stood JP with these beautiful lavender-pink roses. He handed them to me, and this great smile came across his face. He just isn't one for smiling a lot. I was delivered these wonderful smelling flowers. I just adore flowers, of all kinds. My Love, sent me roses. I feel loved this day, not because of the cards, flowers or candy. I just thought for a moment....I am a very lucky women. Then of course the guys at work had to harass me from time to time went they came past my desk. I think it was more or less they were remained what today was and they better stop on the way home. :P
Came home, made steak and shrimp for dinner. Had a beautiful card waiting for me, with a MASSAGE gift certificate in there!!!! I LOVE GOING THERE!! I was so thrilled. It has been so long since I had one, I can't wait! Talked with my ma, she got her package and card that I made her. My Aunt and Uncle received theirs are well. All loved the taste of the spicy turffles I made. I just love the holidays. It brings out so much in me. Now if I can figure out how to keep that feeling with me 24/7...sigh.

My thoughts went to a memory of my grandparents of years ago. She was in the hospital after heart surgery. I was pushing my grandfather in a wheel chair. It was the day before Valentines day. He looked up at me with this big welling eyes. "You have to take me to the store. Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Your grandmother will be expecting candy and a card from me." Of course I agreed to do with him , for him. And pop would ALWAYS sign his cards with a little not added.I don't think it was expected but always hoped for. But the two of them didn't need this day to show their love. My G*D, they went through the roughest of waters and shared the joyous of sunsets and sun rises. He passed away before Katelyn was born, which broke my heart. My gran passed, 6 years later, just before my nephew and cousin were born. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Ones love , joy and happiness should be shown all the time, not just on certain holidays.
After dinner, we went to this little mom and pop cafe. I love it there, so quiet and peaceful. What a nice way to cap off the day with a lattte. Came home and snuggled. Took care of Kates cold, sent her off to bed.
finally talked with my ENT too today, so it was good all around. This is one day that I didn't have a complaint. I'll just save anything for today and push it to tomorrow..hehehe
I hope YOU were with someone you love today, I know I was!
xoxo Happy Valentines Day!
Tootles

SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!!

Mood: unsettled
Music: Hollaback GirlI just love the snow!! MORE MORE!!! We got more then we thought we would, but that's ok with me. You just have to love the change in seasons, I know I do. This time of the year is the best for fireplaces and snuggling up with someone you love to keep warm. Managed to get out in it a little bit. Wish I could of found my regular winter hat, think I may have ruined my cowgirl hat that I got when I went to Texas for a bit. I think the snow falling on it broken down some of the fibers in it, just stupid of me..Sigh. Was a cool hat too :( I will just have to ask for another one.
Anyhow, haven't been on here in a few days. Neurology came back all good, but I have an appointment with him tomorrow to go over everything. I think he may have been right about the sleep issue, well the lack of sleep I was getting over the months. He put me on Lunesta, works really well for me and doesn't make me feel worn out or groggy in the mornings. I think being anemic too, isn't helping me at all. You try to eat better and do more, but that isn't working. I should ask for a blood panel be done again to see where I am with that. Maybe that has gotten better too over this time. On the other hand, I have had it with my ENT doctor. They request a CAT scan of my sinuses, I take them the films, they don't want that, just the report, so I have to take the films back for the reading. ( one would think the ENT could read these films!) Then it takes days for them to call me and call me while I am AT WORK, and leave a message to call them, that the doctor wants to talk to me himself. Now, how often do you hear that the doctor and not one of his flunkies wants to do the talking?? So I call back, NO RESPONSE from them since Thursday when they left the damn message to call. Now they had all day Friday to call me. I called there all day on Friday and no answer, then at 3:00 the answering machine kicks in! WHAT THE HELL!!!! THEY CLOSED AT 3 THAT DAY!!! ASSHOLES!! Headaches, three holes, two of which the END made in addition to the original one, facial pain, teeth numbing and bleeding. And he will say this.."Oh we don't see anything on the scan!!!" Mark my words! When does this become malpractice???Just seems that after my surgery, their care and seriously went on a down slide. Maybe I expect too damn much for them to contact me, no I don't think I ask too much. Come hell or high water I will be getting a hold of them one way or another, either by phone, and heaven forbid I have to show up there, I will NOT be in a pleasant mood!
Good time for us to go outside and build a snow man....I would make snow angels, but Im too much of a devil >:) for that to happen....
As long as I have Larry and Katelyn by my side I can get through anything..I am blessed..
Tootles

A good laugh

Mood: Upbeat
music: Cry Baby Cry-Santana
Considering it has taken me two days to straighten out my ENT, I still have not heard from him or my Neurologist yet. Hope to hear from at least one of them tomorrow. Not much else going on, same shit different day. My Aunt sent me the jokes below. They gave me a good laugh to cap off my night. Tootles

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.

Superbowl Sunday---BORING!!!

Mood:pissed, now that I lost my org post for tonight!
Music: Don't Cry For Me Down Here
I wont spend 20 mins retyping all that was in the original post. shit!
Busy around the house this weekend. Did a little early spring cleaning since my mom might be coming out in the middle of March, would be great. I miss her and would love to see her, plus that is when my next surgery for my nose will be. I had to go have a CAT scan on Friday again for this doctor. Sometimes they just treat you as if you have nothing else to do but bitch. Well, two extra holes plus the original one now. Headaches and numbness in my mouth. All things I have told him in the last 4 visits to him in the past month. It is as if he needs "CONFIRMATION" of the pain and holes.! ARE YOU BLIND!!! DEAF?? I won't stop bitching till all this is fixed. Then I have a burning sensation this weekend that I didn't have before, that can be from anything, I suppose.
Well,it is Super Bowl night and I really don't want anything to do with it. The half time stunk. The only commercial I loved was the Budweiser one, very cute. So while they were watching football I finished up my Valentines and my spicy chocolate truffles. Just have to package them up for giving. I know my mom will love the spiciness of them. I always make homemade cards for the holidays. I never knew how much people loved them until my gran passed away. I found everything I sent her over the years, it was a bitter sweet moment in my life. I always took love and care when I made things, but more so after that day. This picture above is one of the cards I made for Valentines Day. It is my actual hand print that I covered in fabric with a tin embellished heart. On the bottom it reads...." THIS IS MY HAND"....(Inside) HOLDING ON TO YOUR HEART" I thought it came out really great. I enjoyed making that one. ALot of work went into it along with the love and sentiment that is written within the inside of the card. I just love holidays.
Well, I should get going here, have to get lunches ready for tomorrow for work and school.
TOOTLES!
As for the 20 mins I said I wouldnt do for the repost...guess I did after all ...lol :P

Tired of being tired!

Mood: on edge
Music: You are so beautiful--Jo Cocker
Nice song, but I certianly don't feel that way, to myself or anyone for that matter. Put's me more down at the moment....G*D!!!!!!It is everything opposite of what I feel... Just tired or being tired..

Wow...I haven't been on my blog in a week. And what a worse shame..Nothing much has happened since my last post on my birthday. Just the same shit different day. :(
Still hurting a lot from my nose. Now I have three holes in there instead of the original one I started out with. What an asshole my doctor was last week too. What does he think this is some sort of picnic for me? If it is a picnic, then the damn ants are ruining my day. I have constant head aches, ears hurt, some sort of "clicking" sound I hear when my air ways clear. And my front teeth are as if they have been numbed. I just don't get it!!!! Why isn't this doctor not listening to all of a sudden? He was so good in the beginning, now everything is falling to the waist-side. Called there today, to see if he can give me some sort of antibiotic in case there is an infection going on. "FINALLY!!!!"......He is going to send me for a CAT scan on Friday to see why I am not healing and why I am suffering with everything that I am experiencing.
While I am thinking of scans, I need to call my neurologist for my results if they don't call me sometime by Friday. I am sure those take a little time to read and interpret. I am to the point, I just want to crawl into a hole and die. There is nothing in my life I can just dance about at the moment. My coping skills suck and I am falling apart. With, which it seems, no where to turn.
Working on a cake for a woman at work, her last day if Friday. They think I am Martha Stewart in there. You do a few things and they keep coming back to you over and over again. "Oh, by the way boss, my get well card must of gotten lost in the mail from you and my co-workers..??" Someone needs to get the dirt off my back and the claw marks off my neck!!!! But really, I do love doing my crafts and my cakes for people. It is like the one time I feel like I have done something, well, that's ok. This one is a rainbow with a pot of gold. Came out ok, I think I have done better cakes. Just not enough time to get this one done. They eat like pigs at work anyhow and will barely notice what it looks like. I am sure that Tammy will appreciate it. At least, someone cared enough to see her off.
Enough babbling on about nothing important....Tootles