Not only has it been over a month since my last post, it has been a week since Nicole has passed away. This past week has brought out a lot of emotion in me,yeah, like that takes a lot for me to show, NOT! At the age of 35 (Nicole) in great moments of ones life that are stripped away from the ones that love them the most. Shock of age and reason stuns your system, tests your faith and a million questions "why" are asked to everyone, to G*D himself. Moments of grief and sorrow, for some, turn into anger and bitterness. Others, a peace quietly falls upon them and they are comfortable in knowing that she will no longer suffer in "this" life. The family and friends are the ones to suffer, in our senses. Memories will replay from years, days prior, moments leading to her passing. The "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" are always there.
As I came into the door way I my eyes met with John's, I don't think there was even a breath in between the moment that happened and us embracing each other. You could just feel the love and sorrow pours from this man. I wanted to take all his pain away, but I couldn't. You don't know what to say. "I am so sorry, John" is all I could mutter through our tight embrace and tears.
I met Johns mom that day. As I knelt down to her, she was speaking to me of Nicole and how much she was going to be missed. Getta is not your typical mom. She has an aire about her. She is an "old soul". So full of wisdom, of comfort. Although I know she was suffering in her heart, she was easing mine. How wonderful. It is truly a shame that there are not more people in this world like her. But then if there was, the special-ness of her would not be as unique.Getta made a point..."Nicole now has a new body". You have to find some comfort in knowing the truth in that statement. But then there are the days that you just don't know what to believe in. Your heart aches.I had not been to a funeral since my grans passing in 1999. I was scared. Scared of what I may relive. What people don't want to experience in the first place. You get to thinking of all the emotions involved. Of what John has to do to prepare for his first moments to come to grips with the reality of the situation and what lies ahead.
The chapel and burial was to follow the next day after visitation. Knowing you will physically never see this person again. The one you shared your life and dreams with will no longer happen. It makes you question how fast life can go. Whether you stop to smell those flowers or not. Nicole did. And I bet you she could tell you everyone that she smelled.
Everytime I hugged John, I would kiss him and softly run my hand across his cheek. There were no more words you could say to him, just be there for him. Standing in the back of the chapel, John was up front while everyone looked on as he said his last words to Nicole. I swear he wanted to crawl in there with her. I am sure a part of him is now missing. A void. They had(still do) a love for life and each other. Married not much over 5 years, life was just really starting out for them. You could hear the pain in the chapel as the doors where opened and you could hear the traffic whizzing past,not knowing the goodbyes that were taking place. Life was still moving on outside, just not for us at that moment. But it made me aware that it does and will continue. With or without us or a loved one.
It was one of the most beautiful days out side. We stood under the tent as the preacher spoke. The breeze was cool and refreshing. And there was this most wonderful song bird in the tree singing, not just chirping, as the service went on. It was as if Nicole set the scene that afternoon. It was a peaceful moment. She was a nature lover too.
After the service and most of the people left I just sat there staring at her cornflower blue casket. Trying not to smell the flowers that where all around. (after my gran passed I had that smell with me for along time and stayed away from flowers. The strong scent of them sent me back to a place I didn't want to visit again.) The breeze was still blowing gently and that song bird was still, in deed in song. I was thinking how unfair life can be and you don't know what might take you down a different path. We may not always like the scenery but yet, we still must learn, thus look at the here and now and hope for the future. Although she was only 35 I believe she lived a good, happy life. Not saying she was through with it, hell, she was only just starting.
John gave me a rose from Nicole's casket. It meant a lot to me. Its still beautiful days later. I have been told that you can start a rose bush from the stem. Of course being the person I am, I will try that.
Watching John the past few days you would see him crying, wrenching with grief over the loss of his wife. But then you would see him smile when someone would say something that was funny or speak of a memory. It showed me that there was still a human side to people. That even though we may suffer a loss, we too can still live and live with them in heart, soul and memories.
I will think of this past week with sadness but with great gratitude to have has such a wonderful person touch my life in the profound way that it happened.
I have visited her resting spot in the days that followed. A spot that John picked out because the sun comes up late in the morning there. John said that Nicole was always a late riser and she loved to sleep in.
I am sure to visit there often, relive the week, wonder why and hear that bird sing a joyful song once again.
