Christmas

Went home for christmas. I was so shocked when I saw my mom. She was fraile and pale, very sick. Me and El took her to the hospital, of course AFTER Christmas had passed. Same ol' line,"I just didn't want to ruin anyones Christmas". Yeah, like waiting then dying would be the better option...WHAT THE HELL!
After being pumped with all kinds of meds, chest xrays, etc we got to take her home. More meds to take, full oxygen now. Can't walk,coughs so violently one would think she was going to cough up her one good lung. Breathing treatments dont seem to help her much any more these days but she carries on with it all. Its so hard to watch her go through this and I feel her life has been cut by her smoking. She knows we are there for her always.Praying for a recovery, she is one strong woman and I can only hope to be as strong in life as she is/has been.
Her and I have talked over the last few years about how things went in the past. At first she was sad because of it, but when she started to watch Joey, it became her world.We both spoke of my pain in my relationship with Larry and my mom understood that from two divorces and told me to work everything out the best we can. Having family is the most important thing in life. I know mom tried to fill the shoes grams had...I loved her more to know she tried whenever possible. We both talked about how she always wanted her kids around but being military it wasnt going to be. She thinks at some point she would of wanted to go back to Toledo...not only to help with Joey but to be closer to the rest of the family. She would always talk about Larry and how much she loved him and that LOVE YOU game they played...lol Maybe someday she will hear it from him. He really is a great guy.
 I was happy to hear that because that dark time in my life was just that. I never say I make the right choices all the time...I paid for them in so many ways. I longed for my whole family together again. We all wanted to be wanted and needed in life....I was just lost.I never wanted anyone else in my life, he was my guy and I loved and adored him. More then I showed, which is not the right thing to do. I really dont think it was anyones fault , we just didnt know how to cope with things. But forgiveness can be a great thing and I am glad we did that to each other and have moved on with our lives and look forward to life.
The odd thing about mom being in the hospitals...sometimes its where we have had the best talks...always by her bedside, holding her hand, rubbing it brings out the frailness of life.
I LOVE YOU MOM

THANK YOU!

God...ARE YOU TESTING ME???

Mood: Down
Music: Hole in the World-The EaglesWomen sang, photographs flickered to show a flame of grace and love, extinguished, so young.
Once again, I found myself burying the rosary beads deep into the palms of my hands as I sat in the pew trying to focus on something else. Something to take me away from this moment.....Again.
Martha was only 64 years old.
Sixty or so family filled her room as her breathes grew shorter with every moment. Robert kept me informed as her health started to fail over the past few months. His call came to me at noon. As I looked at the caller ID, I knew what it was about.
I walked in her honor this past summer, along with all the rest we have lost. Breast cancer had taken her from this life. I shared a few words with him, he asked if I would attend. As if he really needed to ask me. Of course I would. He was one of the few I called "friend".
As I sat listening to Marth's wake service, I began to see what a wonderful woman she was. She was dedicated to family, friends and her faith. None of which ever wavered.
As her grandson read "love letters" to her from family members, I choked back my tears. From where I sat, I could see Robert lift his hand to wipe the tears from his wife's cheeks. He really is a kind old soul.
The church chapel was standing room only as the service carried on that night. I tried to block out the smell of the flowers by sitting in the back. I used to adore flowers till all the services I have been to since June. Parts of the service where in Spanish. I really loved that even though I didn't understand some of it, most of it I could follow because it was of Christian faith.
This summer, I will walk in her memory...

CoMpLEte ShuT DowN

Three months since a post.
I completely shut down mid-summer.
Nicole passed away in June.
Kathy passed away while I was home for 4th of July.
Ed passed away end of July. I swear I still see him at work.
Ended up in the ER on Aug 23 for chest pains then again on Aug 25 for sever head pain like I have never had in my life. Noodle was in school as I lay in the ER table praying to God I was going to see her again. Pain was nothing in my life before. As I was balled up in a fetal position, I heard them ask of strokes. I couldn't answer. Then I heard them talking of other things. I was showing signs of Meningitis . A spinal tap was ordered. I said "NO",then El said, "that's NOT what you want to do, we need to know." They made him leave as I gripped onto the bed rails as they proceeded. Tears streamed down my face. I began to make deals with God. I really thought this was the end, it sure felt like it. Good news, no meningitis. I laid on my back for over an hour, fading in and out from all the pain killers. From the slits in my eyes I could see El standing over me. I was so motionless that I recall him laying his hand on my chest, to see if I was breathing.Then I felt a kiss on my forehead. ( even asked him days later if the thought, "that was it," too, he just looked at me. I took it as a yes)Pain was unbearable, stephonid sinusitis they say. Deep seated pain is all I knew. Was out of work for two weeks. Couldn't move,didn't want to anyways. Still scares me, came on like wildfire. Not liking the idea they never did a CAT scan, would of made sense to me.
Sitting at home AGAIN, for the next THREE weeks. Two surgeries at one time. This is the second time for this nasal surgery to replace cartilage in the septum. Took the cartliage from my right ear. Ear hurts worse then the nose. Cast, stitches,packing,pain and nausea, God please make this one work. I think I have been through enough pain, body and soul the last few months to last me for sometime.

Flowers & memories

Mood: mellow
Music: Walk Over Me--Dirtie Blonde
Went over to John and Getta's the other day. I knew that lilacs where Nicole's favorite flower, mine as well, so I bought John a bush. I told him to plant it where ever he felt, something like a memory garden or at her resting spot once it settled down somewhat.Let beauty surround her as her beauty surround us all. In life and in death. We told him to water it but he insisted it stay in the house a few days and he would water it in the house.
Lilacs and the smell always take me back to my childhood. My grandparents had them in their back yard. I swear if I take in there intoxicating fragrance and close my eyes, I am back in the yard again. Then it brings tears to my eyes.

John seemed so out of sorts, lost if you will. I am sure that doesn't describe what he is feeling. John was very restless and clearly not with us when we where talking at times. It just rips me inside to see him hurting so much. But like I said before, all you can do, is just be there. I don't care what some say, I don't think the pain ever goes away. I still cry over my grandparents passing and others as well. It just doesn't fade, for me.
I must have been to her resting spot a number of times since her passing. I just can't get a grip on death. To know someone you love is gone and buried. I just talk to her, as if she can hear me. In my heart she does. I just tell her thank you for changing my life in such a profound way. You never know how someone can change your life, even in a little way. What is someone's mole hill, may be someone else's mountain.

Can't wait to see the family for the 4th of July.Haven't seen them since Christmas, which part of it was a total mess, thanks to some asshole family members I have. I think everyone has a nut or two in the family tree. My nephew has stated I will be sleeping with Winnie the pooh in his play room. Good lord!!! LOL. I am looking forward to playing with him. When I am with him he teaches more then I could ever imagine. His autism makes him so smart, smarter then some adults I know. Should be a good trip. Always hard to leave from a visit.

Short blog tonight, nose and face are feeling numb again. I will be so damn glad to get this thing fixed, AGAIN! Maybe they can get it right this time..... :(

Peace & Love
M&M
PS....One year ago today El Dialbo...I love you. Wish we where there again.....